It's really me.
Sometimes so much shit is tumbling about my head that it helps to let it out. And if it helps you too, well, even better.
The now.
I was explaining tonight. How I’m focusing on really exploring, understanding, accepting my feelings.
I started out with a pang, of sorts. That re-occurring “what if what if what if” that comes to mind when I think of you. The realization that I am in a hurry to get to our future. In fact, I’ve probably been this way with many a friend, or lover.
And in hoping and dreaming and wondering and (inevitably) waiting, I lose out a bit on the relishing. What a great fucking word, relishing.
How many moments have I spent wondering when I’ll hear from you rather than relishing in the fact that I heard from you not long ago? How many times have I checked and re-checked and checked yet again rather than relishing in the re-visiting of past correspondence and communication?
“Enjoy the present, each moment, as it comes; because you’ll never get another one quite like it.” —Fitting words that tumbled my way. And still more…”I may not lead you into forever, but I will lead you into now…”
It’s not that I don’t have hope. Or an excitement of the future, of our future. Because I do. It’s just that I will not…I cannot fully experience today when I am forever playing it out in the tomorrow.
I want to enjoy our now. And if this is all there is, I want to look back and know that I lived it fully.
